PHD in Douchebagery
Ladies, allow me to get this out of the way; I am not obese, a pervert, have ever been committed to a mental institution (voluntary or otherwise). I don't have an STD, bad acne, a speech impediment or in any other way could be considered "uneatable" by a majority of women. In fact, I have visible tattoos, Five feet, ten inches tall, about 150 pounds, well read, and I'm in the process of getting a solid education so I can open my own business.
While I do carry many good traits, I fear that I have one fatal flaw in my character: I do not treat women like trash. I know, I KNOW! It seems being nice and gentlemanly, like complementing your hair and meaning, taking you out for a picnic in Golden Gate Park, and not running around on you with other women is simply "for the birds". That actually having an informed opinion is suddenly a bad thing. Sometimes I wish my parents had simply been deadbeats living at the beach instead of reading to me and encouraging my education. At least then I could say words like "hella", "bro", and "fo sho". At least then I could be a complete man-whore and not feel the least bit guilty about it.
So this is my proposition: Instead of doing nice things for you, like pulling out your chair, opening the door for you, and just having general all around respect for you - it's out the door. I'll chase other girls, show up late, disrespect your parents and friends. I'll criticize every touchy girl issue (like weight) right to your face. I'll get a fake tan, a tribal tattoo, and a lifted truck. I'll party with my friends and spend money on alcohol instead of taking you to the movies, play pool, or getting frozen yogurt. I'll pop my shirt off more then Dennis from IASIP. I will be Adam from Workaholics incarnate. I will only you drunk at one in the morning for sex, and then not be able to get it up once you get here because I'm too wasted.
So in short: I will act like a douche. I'll be the Archduke of Douche-berg. I sank the Nice-Guy-Anic with my douche-berg-ness. Just me Sir Doucher, King of the land of Affliction shirts, flat-brimmed hats (tilted slightly at an angle of course), and "No Fear" bumper stickers. I will treat you like shit, you will put up with it, and tell your friends that there is "just something about him, he isn't always like that". In turn I get laid tonight and unlimited sex in the future at my time of choice until you find a nice guy like the former me who will actually appreciate you for the beautiful and unique woman you are, if your even that lucky. In keeping with the aforementioned douche policy, fatties, uggos, and women who have any respect for themselves need not apply.
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